HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES...

Have you ever felt like you were being taken advantage of or that you have been underappreciated?

Oh yes, several times, people have transpassed my boundaries, including coworkers, friends, family, partners, and sadly myself, and it happened because I allow it to happen. It's okay with me now; I have no regrets and no longer hold myself responsible. I did not know better. Having been mistreated, underappreciated, and taken advantage of in many ways, helps me find better ways to respect myself and learn about boundaries.

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? "Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits."

WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES? To practice self-care and self-respect • To communicate your needs in a relationship • To make time and space for positive interactions • To set limits in a relationship in a way that is healthy.

As a young lady, I thought it was normal because I had never been taught anything different; we never talked about setting boundaries, at least not in my family or the schools I attended. It is essential to set healthy boundaries to live a healthy and peaceful life. In the end, what stops us from setting boundaries is fear, fear of being rejected, unloved, or losing people. Next time you feel like someone is trying to take advantage of you, I encourage you to ask yourself these questions. Is it worth my peace of mind or well-being? If that person loves you and respects you, they will understand otherwise; you are better off without them.

I could tell you many stories from my personal life, and you will probably be related to them: "Oh my gosh, me too." But I am just going to say that I learned the hard way to set boundaries and speak up, and in the process, I lost many people.

When I heard for the first time about boundaries, you won't believe it, but I heard it from a kid (I work with kids as well), and that day something clicked on me. So I started to do my research about boundaries. My main reasons were my sanity and my Lulu (my daughter) because our kids don't do what we tell them to do. They act and behave by watching us. You are a mirror for your kid.

I remember telling my Lulu (my daughter) all the time, "you need to speak up because no one will do it for you," but I wasn't walking the talk myself. Until one day, a situation hit me hard, an issue that was frequently happening; I said "no more." No one will use me as a doormat ever again. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen thankfully with a lot of personal self-growth, self-esteem, and therapy. Knowing that you're worthy and valuable no matter what it's life-changing. You always become first!

Be prepared that people will leave your life when you start saying "NO," but also know it's totally okay because that means that people who were abusing your time, kindness, love, and probably money, which happened to me. Be happy about it. In the beginning, you might feel guilty or even lonely it's okay!. Feel what you need to feel, you were used to that behavior for many years, and it's normal to miss it even it wasn't a good one.

I'm not going to deny it still happens here and there to me but not as often as before, but at least I'm aware of it and know how to deal with the situation IF I want to deal with it; otherwise, I walk the other way, and I don't waste my energy anymore.

Allowing others to take control over your life is not fun at all, and it's exhausting. On the contrary, you are living a life full of anger and frustration not with others but with yourself. You feel guilty all the time because if you don't please them or don't meet their exexpectations, you are so afraid to lose them and feel rejected. In my own experience, FEAR, GUILT, and a sense of ABANDONMENT were some of the main factors.

I was petrified just with the thought that they would get upset with me or stop talking to me, and one day I stopped to think, wait! Wouldn't it be better if they didn't speak to me anymore? And guess what? It happened, and that day I breathed fresh air. My mom always says: "Let them be angry. They have two options, be angry or be happy: because if they are worth it in your life, they will come back to you and will be willing to understand you. AND THEY DID COME BACK TO ME. But now I decide when and how.

Start by knowing yourself ask yourself questions. When I sense someone is trying to cross my boundaries, I ask myself these questions: What is the worst thing it can happen if I say NO? Does it worth it for my peace of mind and my time? Does it worth the stress?. My best hack is: "I'm sorry, but I'm so busy." That has worked for me until I learn to say NO with zero excuses, guilt, or regrets.

FAMILY is one of the most difficult boundaries to establish. At least, that's what I've heard from my clients, friends, and in my own experience.

Just because they're your family doesn't mean you have to sacrifice everything to please them. We do it because we have been raised and brainwashed by the system, religion, and culture. In some cases, it's necessary, and don't get me wrong, I love to help others but not at the expense of my well-being and mental health. I'm not saying that you have to put a huge barrier between your family to escape uncomfortable situations; running away is not the solution to any of your problems. But instead, work on yourself learn how to communicate your feelings and needs. You don't even have to explain yourself.

Setting boundaries can be overwhelming, especially if you dont know what to say or where to start. No worries, it's okay. You don't have to have all those answers right away; in fact, you don't need answers. My best piece of advice is to start by knowing yourself, your value, your worth, and know you are not alone look for a community that can understand your needs without being judged. You have had yourself all along this journey of self-growth.

I have this always in mind: I would rather be respected than loved, love tented to be confused and underrated by others. Love has nothing to do with respect and boundaries.

The most rewarding thing is I didn't lose myself along the way; I ended up gaining a lot of confidence. Remember, you will always have you, and that is fantastic work on not crossing your boundaries.

Sources can also help you; one of my favorite podcasts has a good one on boundaries. Optimal Living Daily.

Much love,

-Ana.💜